The Malice Engine

Memorial Day and the Fourth of July are only a week apart, right? No? Sure felt like it.

It’s been one of those months where I did a lot but accomplished little, especially on the writing front. Sure, I got a short story done and submitted, but I haven’t been able to make (yes make, not find) the time to put a dent in my other obligations. I’m sitting on two accepted outlines and a publishing schedule, so I really need to get my ass in gear.

I guess that’s what “next month” is for. Stupid procrastination.

Writing that short also made me realize my creativity has been in the crapper. I labored over its plot far longer than I should have, and it also took me far longer to put together some simple outlines than it would normally have taken me. Hell, I’ve even been silent on the blog because I didn’t have much to say, and the following picture is as close as I’ve come to doing anything remotely creative with my camera in weeks, if not months:

Beating procrastination is so f'n metal!

So, yeah. Half the year mostly pissed away. You people really need to smack me around more.

There’s a lot of debate over the cause or source of homosexuality, mostly involving nature vs. nurture, biology vs. desire, and so on. We can all agree, however, that it’s not caused by demonic possession.

Or so I thought.

It stuns me that these things still happen. Most people of faith can reconcile science and psychology with their beliefs and move on with their lives. Unfortunately whackjobs like this make them look bad. As far as I’m concerned, these people are no different from the pinheads who kill albinos for their magic, sacrifice goats to fix airplanes, or marry their daughters off to frogs.

At least this kid lived through his ordeal. Another boy died, and police rescued a young girl as her own grandfather strangled her.

Welcome to progress, people. This is your modern world.

An alien showed up in Pakistan, and what do they do? Kill it.

“Look, an alien! Let’s kill it, cook it up, and show it off on a dinner plate so his friends get really pissed!”

Thanks, Pakistan! Guess we best start preparing for the invasion.

At least they’re tiny and likely have tiny ships. Maybe we can shoot them all out of the sky with Predator drones.

(Disclaimer: No, I’m not convinced this is the real deal. It’s probably a misunderstanding, a hoax, or part of a movie. It just amuses me that some third world pinheads could conceivably doom the entire planet.)

In searching for some video links for that last post, I found this mash-up of The Wiggles and just can’t stop laughing. It probably helps that I had to sit through several Wiggles tunes with the rugrats.

Oh, and before you press the play button, I’ll give you the Not Safe For Work warning:

I didn’t expect much out of the mixed martial arts matches when I hit Throwdown 2 in East Peoria Saturday night, but there were some great fights. I had a good view of the cage, and with 15 fights and 2 more female fights, it was an exciting evening. I did take a few pictures, but I was stuck with my CrackBerry camera so they’re a bit grainy.

That's gotta hurt.

Only one fight went to decision, and it was still an exciting fight. The ladies’ matches were also far more exciting than some of the female bouts I’ve seen on TV, but one ended in a disqualification and the other ended when the corner man threw in the towel. The majority of matches ended in submissions, but there were a few ref stoppages, a doctor stoppage, and a couple knockouts. The doctor stoppage came after the first round ended: the bell rang, the fighter went to his corner, then just fell over. The docs took a look at him and it was declared a knockout. In the other scary knockout, one fighter got choked unconscious and the ref apparently didn’t notice it in time. It was a good minute or so before he showed any signs of stirring, and you could just feel the crowd holding its collective breath until the docs helped the fighter to his feet.

The sound system at the event center sucked, but we had a good time picking apart the entrance music for some of the fighters. One, for example, entered to Drowning Pool’s “Bodies”:

Effective, sure, but predictable and more than a little cliché. Then you had some rap and hip hop, but their deep bass was lost in the muddy speakers and crummy acoustics of the hall. There were two odd choices, too: “Learning to Fly” and “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. We heard those opening chords and laughed our asses off.

Don’t get me wrong, theyr’e not terrible songs, I just can’t imagine anyone getting pumped up and ready to fight while listening to either of those tracks. I’ll grant the one fighter probably was going for the pot reference, but the other? No idea. We decided he deserved to get beaten down for coming out to a weak song.

He promptly shut us up by knocking the shit out of his opponent. Three strong right hands and his opponent was down, and not long after that it was all over. Given that performance, he can enter to frickin’ “Fruit Salad” for all I care.

In any case, I can’t wait ’til the event comes back next year. With luck the guys from the dojo will get more VIP tickets next time around so I’ll be right off the canvas.

Regular television just kills writing productivity, so I flipped over to the XM stations as I continued to massage this outline for the graphic novel. I’m a chronic channel hopper, even on the radio, so every so often I’d flip around to find something worth listening to. At one point I stumbled across Duran Duran’s “Wild Boys”.

It instantly put me in mind of the Mad Max-like video. Anyone else remember this thing?

When I was a kid, I thought this video was the shit. Post-apocalyptic setting, a rough sound, bad-ass lyrics, fire and explosions… it had it all. I know better now, of course, but at the time I was wondering when they’d strap me to a windmill so I could sing defiantly as they dunked me in the water.

In fact, it’s that ridiculous windmill that I remembered the moment the song came on. I was so struck by its stupidity that I looked up the video to make sure it wasn’t just some corruption of the video by my memory. I dragged the slider through the YouTube video and sure enough, there’s Simon Le Bon strapped to one blade of a windmill that dipped his head into a pool of water every time it reached its lowest point.

Then it hit me: they weren’t just trying to make it look cool, they were trying to drown the bastard!

“Climb on, Simon. No, really, it’s perfectly safe. We promise!” Then, a couple hours later: “I knew we should have made it go deeper. Now I guess we need to finish this damn thing. We’ll just make it as ridiculous as possible so nobody will watch it. That’ll work, right?”

Oops.

We’re just about halfway through the year, so I thought I’d revisit some of the goals I’d set for myself for this year.

Goal 1: Cut 20 more pounds by October 1st.

So far not so good, but I’ve still got all summer to run. The knee is feeling better, so I may give it a shot next week after we get through this week’s karate review and the extra practice I’ve been putting in to prepare for it. I actually ran home in the rain today with a loaded backpack and didn’t feel any knee pain, so with luck the track won’t give me any more trouble than that.

Goal 2: Make Nikyu in Shuri-ryu Karate-do by Halloween.

That’s 2nd degree brown belt for those unaware, and I can say so far so good on this one. I had a setback during the previous review because I made some mistakes the first night and missed the second night due to a family incident. This week I was able to finish the process and I should receive the first of three stripes required to hit Nikyu on Thursday. If I bust my ass practicing this summer, I can still make it.

Goal 3: Complete 25 themed photos by December 31st.

Uh oh. Unless I make them all karate-themed, I’m in big trouble. Between the writing in general, the setback with the graphic novel, work, family, and of course karate, I haven’t made time to surf Flickr groups or read the snazzy photography book I bought, much less take the camera out and about. Maybe a karate theme is just that simple a solution, with portraits and pics like my Karate Moleskine (below).

Taken with my old camera, but I still dig it

I’m glad I revisited these goals now, as there’s still plenty of time for all three if I put in the effort. But that’s the whole point of goals, isn’t it? If I can still get the immediate writing commitments completed, I can also participate in National Novel Writing Month this year as I hoped. It’ll take some effort, but it’s not impossible.

Too bad I don’t have a Staples easy button.

One of my co-workers has a Honda Shadow that I’ve envied for a while. Its 750cc engine is three times the size of my bike’s engine, and it outweighs my bike by about 150 pounds. I asked him how different it felt from my bike. He promptly handed me the keys, so I took her for a test drive.

Boy was that a mistake. Because it was terrifying? Nah. It’s because now I want a bigger bike.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my bike. However, strong winds blow me around more than I’d like, and the narrow tank leads to sore hips and inner thighs on extended rides. My bike’s comfortable up to about 40-45 miles per hour, but I hit 55 and she starts to feel a little shaky. It’s not so much a feeling like I’m going to fall over, it’s more like Scotty’s in the tank screaming “I cannae hold her together, Captain!” and the not-so-warp drive is going to fly apart.

The Shadow was a whole new experience. I felt like I was sitting on something of substance, and the wider tank and higher seat made for a comfortable fit. There was no choke to play with on startup, and her throaty growl had a very different voice from my Virago. I had to lean her a little harder to keep the tighter turns, but she felt a lot steadier despite the heavier weight. I didn’t get her much over 40mph, but when I did I hardly noticed it. (I probably should have taken her out on a back road and opened her up, but I get real nervous driving other folks’ cars, much less their motorcycles.)

That said, the differences in the controls also surprised me. The brakes weren’t as touchy, and the foot shifter had a more tangible click between gears and across neutral. The biggest difference was in the clutch lever. On the Virago, I let it out most of the way before first gear engages and the bike starts rolling. On the Shadow, I hardly had to let up at all. There aren’t many things more embarrassing than killing an engine twice at a stop sign with two guys watching from a nearby yard. Fortunately the engine kicked in and drowned out their witty remarks as I rolled off, thus sparing my pride a bit.

All in all, I decided I definitely need to get into the 650-850cc range for my next motorcycle. It’s a lot more comfortable, and probably better suited to my frame. Now to see about selling some more books to pay for my engine lust…

That’s the sound my left knee makes. I’m assuming that’s not a good thing.

I worry it’s the result of a sparring match in karate class last week. I went in for a kick to my opponent’s ribs, and he raised his knee to block. The top of my shin, about an inch or so below the knee, connected hard with his knee and it’s been hurting ever since. The only external sign of injury is a small red mark, but I’m sure there’s a nice bruise deep inside and I’m wondering if that’s what’s lead to the problem in the knee. No pain (yet), just noise. I’m taking a break from the running as a result, as the last thing I need is to aggravate the problem.

Meantime, I’m going to try the One Hundred Push-Ups program. I’ve improved my push-ups quite a bit since starting karate, and the program suggests I start at Week 3. Cut the program from six weeks to four? I can deal with that. It’ll be fun to see if I can make the same gains.

I’ve learned push-ups are important to my karate as well. There’s a physical requirement to making black belt in my style, Shuri-ryu, and my school tests prospective black belts on six exercises: jump rope, push-ups, sit-ups, two dumbbell exercises, and front kicks. They want black belts to hit 45 consecutive push-ups.

I’m getting there, as I’m now able to hit at least 30 consistently. It’d be nice to blow that number out of the water, though. While a black belt does not have to hit 45 push-ups, my understanding is if you can’t, it counts against you in your overall score. This means your kata, techniques, written test, and so on, all have to be just that much better to make up for any physical deficiencies. My black belt test is at least a couple of years off, so it makes sense to start now.

Not to mention that it’s just good for me, period.

Then there’s sit-ups. Black belts are shooting for 75. I don’t do as bad at sit-ups as one might expect given my size, but I’m certainly not going to hit 75 any time soon. I wondered if there was a similar program for sit-ups, looked through the site’s links, and found Two Hundred Sit-Ups. Then I clicked the link and learned it’s actually two hundred crunches. Swell. Somehow I can actually execute more of what most people think of as a sit-up than I can a crunch; the middle of my abs gives out before my hips and lower abs so. And neither are comfortable as I near my limit.

I must be a masochist. But again, it’s good for me. If I keep at ‘em, maybe this belly will be less in the way and I can execute them better.

The real question is whether to keep these programs separate or execute them together. I’ll have to give that some thought. Meanwhile, if anyone out there has tried them together, I’d love to hear about it. Official initial test will be this weekend. First workout will be Monday.

Incidentally, this summer when I get sick of working upper body, I can move on to Two Hundred Squats. Woo!

I dug up some info on the Honda FCX Clarity today. It’s their hydrogen fuel cell vehicle that emits nothing but sunshine and rainbows when you drive it, and apparently there are several test cars on the road in California. The biggest problem is the infrastructure, of course, and I kept wondering where one would get the hydrogen to power the vehicle.

Turns out the owners can generate the hydrogen in their own home with a natural gas co-generator. Dubbed the Home Energy Station, this cool gizmo will provide heat and power to your home as well as keep you on the road. Not too shabby!

Then I took a closer look at the accompanying illustration, which appears to be some Honda vision for the future. There’s the co-gen station, solar panel roof, the car, and of course an ASIMO robot.

Just when you thought it was safe to leave your daughter alone...

Does nobody else see something sinister afoot? Take a look at Mom and Dad: she’s busy doing the dishes or cooking or something, and Dad’s busy messing with his car. Shouldn’t the robot be handling those tasks? Little Jimmy is busy in the shower. Kinda odd, Honda, but whatever. This means ASIMO has the run of the house…

…and little Jenny.

Yeah, I’ve seen Saturn 3 and I know how this works! ASIMO shirks his duties, creates his opening, and attacks! Little Jenny never knows what hit her, and two hours later she’s showing the social worker where the plastic predator touched her.

No thanks, Honda. You keep your pervy future to yourself.