Hallo Deutschland und Österreich!
By Mike | May 16, 2008
The German edition of Deadliest of the Species, Das Tödliche Geschlecht, is now available for preorder on Amazon.de! How cool is that?
Don’t worry, English readers. You won’t be neglected for much longer.
Topics: Writing | No Comments »
Interwebitubal Synchronicity
By Mike | May 16, 2008
A few minutes ago, I spotted an article about bears seeking shelter on the roof of a building.
Earlier this morning, I read the following related joke:
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’ He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
‘What are you going to do,’ the homeowner asks.
‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.
‘If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.’
If these things come in threes, I expect I’ll be torn apart by a grizzly around noon.
Topics: General | No Comments »
Just Like Riding a Bike
By Mike | May 14, 2008
Daddy’s Little Biker Girl
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Okay, maybe not quite that easy, but what little I do know about riding a motorcycle did come back to me.
The sun finally showed its shiny face this afternoon, so after a sausage and a burger off the grill I felt the urge to take Eve for a spin. I sat down and went over the controls one more time as I let her warm up, then spent a few more minutes getting a feel for the clutch, rolling off in first gear, and finding neutral.
The Wife watched me roll to the end of the driveway and back up in neutral several times, then asked “Are you actually going to go anywhere? Just take off, already!”
Yeah, time to suck it up. I put on the helmet and riding gloves, checked for traffic, and rolled off. I hit second and rode down to the end of the street, then turned around. A familiar-looking red van came in off the T intersection and followed me back to my house. I pulled over to let them pass, only to find it was one of my poker buddies as he stopped next to me.
“You’re going to kill yourself, Mike!”
Thanks for the support, Pat! We chatted a few minutes, and I assured him I’d be alive to take his money at the next poker game. After he took off, I did a few more circuits up and down the street and around the corner.
I twitched the throttle once, but other than that I did fine. I cornered without having to think about it, and I felt comfortable hitting 25mph. I didn’t stray far, but I only had a few minutes to kill and I just wanted to get a feel for the bike anyway.
I’d say I accomplished that much. As my father-in-law reminded me, if I respect the bike I’ll do just fine. If the weather holds up I’ll do some more zipping around this weekend.
Topics: General, Motorcycles | No Comments »
What’s in a Name?
By Mike | May 13, 2008
I’ve been hollered at about my byline again. “Is it Mike or Michael? Pick one!”
Truth be told, I like having Michael on my prose work, and Mike on my comics. Those names just seem to fit the respective fields. However, most people call me Mike, and of course my main domain name is mikeoliveri.com, so readers, editors and publishers tend to think of me as Mike. More than once I’ve had to correct a byline in a proof copy, which sometimes prompts said hollering.
The only reason I don’t have michaeloliveri.com is another guy beat me to it. An artist, no less, with gallery showings and everything, so it’s not like the domain name is just sitting there. Also, mikeoliveri.com was a Christmas gift from John way back when, and I’ve just kept it going. I did buy michaeloliveri.info and michael-oliveri.com a couple years back, but I didn’t want to muddle things further if people ended up at michaeloliveri.com while trying to remember the hyphen or the .info. On the Google front, the artist Oliveri and I are deadlocked for the first page when searching for “michael oliveri”. Search for “mike oliveri”, however, and I’ve pretty much got him licked. Our respective domain names are at the 1 and 2 spot of both pages, and probably always will be.
So the question becomes, what do you folks think? Should I just shift my entire byline over to Mike Oliveri and use it on the prose from now on? Or does Michael sound better? Is it really as confusing as some people fear?
Topics: General, Writing | 3 Comments »
The Gap Years
By Mike | May 11, 2008
“How come you haven’t written any novels since Deadliest of the Species, Mike?”
I have, actually.
They just suck.
Okay, I’ll rephrase that: they’re far from ready for publication, because with both I decided their execution was off. Way off. So far off that they need to be rewritten from the ground up, and I don’t have time to do that because I started on Powerless, wrote a comic, and worked (or am working) on a handful of smaller prose projects. On top of which I’m thinking Powerless is the best of the three and will make a great follow-up (at last) to Deadliest.
I may still dust them off at some point, but I imagine they’ll remain trunk novels for some time. Hell, maybe they’ll become discoveries after I hit the big time and die early.
Though if that’s the case, I hope my wife and/or executors have the sense to hire a good manuscript doctor to work them over, because they’ll definitely need it.
Topics: Writing | No Comments »
Meet Eve
By Mike | May 10, 2008
Eve
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Let the mid-life crisis jokes commence: I bought a bike.
She’s a 1995 Yamaha Virago, a small cruiser with a 250cc engine. I’ve dubbed her Eve after learning what virago meant. Her previous owner took wonderful care of her and she’s got less than 3000 miles on her. Not a bad find at all.
Now to review my Motorcycle Safety Foundation materials one more time before taking her for a spin. Incidentally, if you’re thinking about learning to ride, I strongly recommend the MSF courses. They teach you a lot more than “here’s the gas, here’s the clutch, enjoy,” and in Illinois it’s a steal at only $20.
Topics: General, Motorcycles | 2 Comments »
Machinery of Death
By Mike | May 9, 2008
Scientists have released more photos of the colossal squid I mentioned last week, and it’s not good. Hook-lined tentacles, sharp beak, ovaries capable of holding thousands of eggs… this thing was made to kill, eat, and breed, period. I’d sooner swim with a shark.
The ocean will kill us all.
Topics: Science & Space | No Comments »
I Love My New Camera
By Mike | May 6, 2008
Sai Master
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I’ve not played with it a lot yet, but I’m already in love with my new Canon EOS Rebel XSi. It’s pictures are light years ahead of what my old PowerShot G2 could accomplish (not unexpected), and it amazes me how much faster it is in everything from starting up to focusing to rapid shooting (not to mention continuous shooting).
Yesterday the Midget decided he wanted to use a karate frame for his Show & Share (same as what we used to call Show & Tell), so what better way to populate it than take a new pic with the new camera? He put on his gi, decided he wanted to use Daddy’s sai, and I sent him out to the yard to go nuts.
I could nitpick a few piddly things about the photo above, but we’re both thrilled with the way it came out. I haven’t decided if it’s the best of the bunch, but it’s definitely the one he wants for the frame.
I’m looking forward to really putting it through its paces this summer and getting more creative.
Topics: Photography, Shuri-Ryu | No Comments »
Revenge of Your Modern World
By Mike | May 6, 2008
A Florida teacher has been fired because — I kid you not — he’s been accused of wizardry. When Tim sent me the article, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or scream. In a nutshell, this guy performed a magic trick with a toothpick in front of a middle school class and he got fired for it.
I first have to laugh that someone is dumb enough to believe this guy performed an actual feat of magic and not simple sleight of hand. I also find it funny that their school board had the stones to actually list this, on record, as a reason for his termination. This makes the Kansas state board of ed look progressive.
On the other side of it, I find it infuriating. I work in education myself, and I’m seeing one of two scenarios going on: 1) they needed an excuse to get rid of the guy and they used this parental complaint to do it; 2) a parent complained, and rather than stick up for the teacher they dropped the hammer. The other reasons cited for his termination (not following lesson plans, letting students on unapproved computers) are very flimsy reasons for termination, especially if the guy was in a tenured position. Hidden reasons or not, terminating the guy for alleged wizardry is beyond ridiculous.
What’s next, Pasco County? Adopting the Malleus Maleficarum into your school board policies?
Topics: Idiocy, Politics & Religion | 1 Comment »
Yes, I’m Buying GTA IV
By Mike | May 1, 2008
And the protesters and crybabies can kiss my ass.
So it’s the “gravest assault upon children in this country since polio,” is it? Shut up, douche. Some of us are smart enough not to play the game when the kids are around. Some of us actually have the balls to tell our children “no” when they want something. Some of us have the balls to take something away from our children if they somehow manage to get a hold of it themselves. Some of us even have the balls to tell other parents that they’re idiots if they’re unwilling to do any of the above.
Finally, some of us have the ability to separate reality from a video game!
You don’t want to shoot up a city and get lap dances? That’s fine. Obviously this game isn’t for you. Don’t buy it, don’t play it, don’t watch the footage.
The rest of us are going to kill us some hookers.
Topics: Entertainment, Idiocy | 1 Comment »
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